| 3 x 3 |
[09 Dec 2008|11:49pm] |
I keep finding ladybugs at my place, I don't mind them.
I'm sad, but optimistic. Does that make sense?
Four dollars and was worth every penny, my lunch will be boxed in coolness, it will thank me.
Boy finally apologized for things. Boy states it will get difficult to see me but made his emotions pretty apparent.However boy is still silly and texted me stating he was getting out of the movies in hatti, and that I should go to Laurel to see him, eventhough he was in town and texted me after the fact. I am leaving things here.
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| feathers, small update |
[25 Oct 2008|03:20am] |
I'm not going to brag too much, but I love all of my friends right now.Mandee,Chan,Brittany & Roberto are amazing.Linley too I'm sure, if we would see more of her. Things couldn't be better in that department.
Spaghetti-o's have never proved to be so good. Managed to get tickets to the sold out man man show I had been wanting to go to for months and it proved to be an amazing show. I got touched various times by the vocalist, in all but one appropriate way.
He doesn't realize how beautiful he is and it makes him that much more endearing. I don't know how this could ever work. It couldn't. But my bed was warm this time, for two nights straight and when he left it was colder than it has ever been before. He asked me if I would grow attached to him the next few weekends and I said maybe, probably so, wait, what does that even mean? It's weird phrasing. He said...Oh it's weird phrasing huh? and I was like yeahhhhhhhhh.
He likes the way I speak. I speak proper, he says. His eye color is different than any I've ever seen and the bridge of his nose makes me smile. I don't know what this is or what it could become.
Oh no, what have i gotten myself into? I like gushing. My back feels crooked and it aches.I don't know why I think there could be a future with this boy. It's so far from a future or what I actually need. I'm not 100% ready for anything with anyone but I can't be scared forever. I just know that the longer it takes the more frightened I'll be. I just want the right person to show up. Foolish.
I only like socks at night. We cuddled naked.
I swear if I just keep moving real fast, I won't notice that I'm doing things wrong. The only way to describe anything is c-o-l-d.
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| lilies |
[06 Oct 2008|11:45pm] |
I'm writing a letter to my ex boyfriend in jail. I know that comes off as crude and terrible trashy. It's not. I bought stamps and envelopes for it and everything.The stamps are of disney characters with mickey mouse and the dalmations. I printed up a picture of a very graphic anal hole that says "Don't drop the soap". He could either find this to be really hilarious or never speak to me again. I'm hoping/betting on the first one.I tried to write neat, I always try to write neat when writting a letter but my fingers tripped all over the paper.
This weekend was pretty fantastic even if I robbed the cradle pretty hard for the first time in my life. He was hot with milky soft skin and that may or may not get me into some sort of trouble in the future. People should re-consider wearing hats if they have obviously bad hair. It can dissapoint others once they get to see you without the hat.
Everything is more than okay for the time being. Fallin' back in love with life a little more each day. Baby steps.
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| armageddon |
[05 Oct 2008|10:47pm] |
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music |
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The album leaf |
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A lot of things have changed, a lot of things have stayed the same.Thankfully, my luck in getting a good roommate has yet to run out, living with Mandee has been pretty much of a breeze since we both are exactly alike in living situations and having considerate tendencies. She has been an emo-mazing roommate and not to mention best friend. Finally moved out of my mom's house for the second time but this time in a more thought out, beneficial-to-my-future kind of way. We had different expectations moving to Hattiesburg and were shortly let down. I had a few misconceptions about the people I thought I was going to get real close to and was deeply disappointed when I realized it wasn't going to turn out that way.Our outlook on friendships and how they should be didn't coincide at all. I guess it is just life's little way of reminding me to stop having such high expectations for people until I really know them for a while.Regardless of the little stump we had to face, it's been a lot of fun. Saturday night was a night my soul needed. Robert invited us to go eat at his parent's store with all the girls.I had steak a la mexicana. The food was delectable and hit just the right the spot.It was relaxing and very pleasant time.After a show at a local bar, Mandee and I reluctantly decided to go to the after party. I drank enough to get a good buzz but not enough to be incoherent.I'm pretty sure this is going to become mandatory for nights out. We had a lot of fun having really funny and interesting conversations with various people but mainly Roger and Mike. It's the first time I've felt where we've made a friendship connection with someone from here, and it wasn't just drunken banter and small talk like the type that tends to happen at parties. It was such a relief and I look forward to hanging out with them again soon. I'm trying to remain positive because it's the only thing that will let me get out of here alive. I'm sure things will only get better once I start the semester in January. I can't wait to meet more considerate,genuine, and fun to be around type people. Right now, I'm just ecstatic about my friendship with chandler flourishing again.We are back to being super close again. We go work out at least 4 times a week and kick our fat's ass. I would be at a loss without Jessica, Mandee and Chan. I really really miss Leslie and Kyttie and in a perfect world they would live here with us as well.
Wow, I hate to complain, but the love doctor must not be looking out for my well-being.It's been a long while after the worst heartbreak of my life, but what can ya do. I don't want someone to want to fuck me anymore, I just want someone to want to hold me all night.I was fine with being sexual with people for a while, granted my number hasn't increased much at all, but I used to be the type to only sleep with people if I was in a relationship with them. That changed for a year and I was fine with it then but my last little mishap i bit off more than I could chew. I don't like the way it's made me feel and since I'm in a vulnerable state,in a new place trying to get settled and having life throw canon balls from many directions, it affected me harder than it would've normally. I realized that I'm no longer going to sleep with any more men, especially undeserving ones. It didn't feel wrong for a long while but now it doesn't feel like me anymore and it doesn't feel right.My body is my temple. For being so impatient, I've sure had to wait a long while. So it continues....
onto better news: I received a chutes and ladders mini board game with my kid's happy meal from Wendy's tonight. Something tells me this will be our entertainment for boring lonely nights.
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[28 Mar 2008|03:23am] |
It's been so long, I know. Thank you for not removing me from your friends list yet.
There's nothing more like new panties to make you feel alive.
I spend money on too much stuff I don't really need. What else is new?
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| 80's |
[12 Oct 2007|07:21pm] |
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music |
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calvin harris |
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Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.
How could anyone forget a love like I had?I need to feel something else other than longing and heartbreak. This is getting old.
( photos and things )
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| fuck!!!! |
[23 May 2007|03:49pm] |
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Why do I feel like I was punched in the face/the nose, while I slept? I need to work on getting in bed at a decent hour (ie.not 5 a.m.)
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[16 May 2007|01:16am] |
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I spent half of my day online today.Organizing my bookmarks,organizing my lj friends,organizing my communities,organizing my pictures and folders...I've been organizing everything on my computer.People called me to hang and I brushed them off to do it,I can be extremely OCD,but who can't?I feel clean now. I also ate a whole package of a kit kat candy bar,not the small bars either, the meduim-sized ones, and I wonder why I've gained weight. Chocolate is just too damn good;it's my weakness.Chocolate and beer.
My friends really want me to do X with them tomorrow and I'm really nervous because of my panic attacks. I can have a panic attack doing just about anything, even riding in a car. It truly is pathetic, but we'll see.
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| my hair doesn't really look like this anymore. |
[25 Mar 2007|10:32pm] |
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music |
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maximo park-now i'm all over the shop |
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hands down!the best cereal out there.Nevermind that healthy crap,unless it has a million chopped bananas of course. I especially like when i get towards the end and the milk gets all chocolatey,but who doesn't?
i am so incredibly restless. all this and for what? my motivation is leeking out every other day.
a few days ago my tarot.com horoscope read,"Afterwards, you'll be able to more easily live in the moment."i fucking hope so,because that's all i really want to do but there are too many responsiblities i have to attend to at the moment. my writting reminds me of movie glitches, not very cohesive and just all over the place because that's what is going through my mind.
i went to work and i was waitlisting people and when i went to let a party know their table was ready i was like "thorton party?" and no one answered and so i asked a lady " are you with the thorton party?" and she looked at me and rolled her eyes and responded with a"yes" in that what a dumb question kind of tone. i made an incredibly funny face at her back. In retrospect, I should've made some snarky comment.WTF. BITCH,PLEASE!
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| goddamn. |
[21 Mar 2007|10:40pm] |
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music |
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peter bjorn and john |
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i need a dog in my life. You don't even know.
i wish i didn't find fashion so fascinating. I wish i felt comfortable in a t-shirt,jeans,and some shoes. Life would be a lot simpler then. I yearn to be able to break away from the chains that i have as a consumer. If i have money in my hands i will spend it. I will spend it on food, i will spend it on drinks, i will spend it on clothes,shoes,jewelry. This is not healthy.I cannot save money unless it is for a plane ticket. this is not healthy.I feel sick and half my clothes/shoes/belongings,including my polaroid camera are still stuck inside his old mercedez benz in ann arbor. I find myself wanting to wear a winter wardrobe constantly. heavy coat,scarves,layers then i am reminded that i will probably sweat off 10 pounds doing so(but that isn't such a bad thing,is it?)spring is not for me. my wardrobe is making me sick and i have trouble dressing in the morning because of it. we have shitty thrift stores and i bought a necklace that cost 10 dollars at one. 10 dollars is a lotfor a shitty necklace at a thrift store.fuck you jackson mississippi, i want my value world.
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| eh. |
[08 Mar 2007|08:06pm] |
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i need new pictures but i really like this one. i ordered my new holga a few days ago and it has yet to come in. my hair doesn't look like this anymore and i have yet to invest any money on a digital camera like i was supposed to months ago because i blow at saving money.
the first boy i had a crush on was my next door neighbor. he was a mexican boy with the brightest green eyes. we would go to each other's house and play all the time and he would come to all my birthday parties. my birthday parties back then were excellent.His parents had 4 bunnies, two males and two females and they would have babies from time to time.I would always want to go play with them.On days we would have to be home, we would go to our backyards and i would hop a table set outside and so would he and we would talk about childish things with only a wooden picket fence between us.his brother told him to break up with me and dared him to do it while he sung me terrible song and i ran home furious and i cried to my mom. i swore off boys that day, but that was a lie. this boy he has turned into a magnicifent young man though and is a complete gentleman.
i do crazy things for love but in the end love doesn't do crazy things for me.With all this boyfriend talk, i'm feeling a little bit nauseous these days.
my little brother managed to use 5 biore pore strips in 1 day. i don't know why or how he managed to waste so many!When i asked him why he had wasted my pack, leaving me only with one, he said that he didn't know. this boy is terribly strange sometimes.he reminds me more and more of the character from the book Running with Scissors. He is always dressed to a crisp and checks himself out in the mirror about 20 times a day.I find that to be a little excessive but my mother just brushes it off.
oh, and the vending machine stole 2 dollars from me today, i was infuriated.
college applications should not be this stressful.
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| tell my mother not to worry. |
[25 Feb 2007|09:32pm] |
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music |
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trapeze artist-iron and wine |
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i'm going through life with this huge longing for company of people that are more like me than not, a big knot in my throat, and such a hunger for love in my heart. there is space ,space space, and then this space is attached to a rope, and this rope is attached to an anchor. this anchor is pulling this rope,this rope is tugging on this space. then there is nothing but what seems to be tons of weight. I carry this with me all day,all evening,up untill my eyes close and my mind dreams.with the exceptions of a few days here and there. i'm scared that this is how things will remain.
my horosocope told me to stop being so optimistic. okay?
i wish i were a jellyfish. free-floating through the ocean.Able to sense you when you came my way and trapped you within my tentacles.I would've protected myself and i might have even stung you away.
i doubt i'm alone in feeling this way.
( i really want these shoes. )
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[05 Feb 2007|01:22am] |
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music |
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burning-the whitest boy alive |
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i will live my life intoxicated 6 out of the 7 days of the week, once i turn 21. or sooner, once i get ahold of my sister's id.
i'm that much of a drunkard unfortunately.
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[26 Jan 2007|06:57pm] |
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music |
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chicago-sufjan stevens |
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i'm so bitter. i force myself to return to it because i want to feel something, anything at all. this way of being, might be okay for others, but at the moment, it's not okay for me.
let bygones be bygones,and yes i've learned so much, but that doesn't keep it from hurting.it's the little things that make life worthwhile when things aren't anywhere near their best.
i want to help humanity in any way i can,i want my career to reflect that. yes, being a fashion buyer for bloomingdale's might make the materialistic side of me happy,but i won't be fullfilled. yes,being an editor for NYLON or W magazine might make part of me happy, but I won't be fulfilled. My goal in life is to help people,help people other than friends.That might bea great choice for other people, but I don't believe it will completely suit me.
ONE thing is never enough, we need a lot of different little things.
cannot wait for my haircut. i need it,badly.explosions of confetti.
( pablo neruda should've been my lover )
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[24 Jan 2007|08:50am] |
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there is this guy in my class, his name is michael jackson.
his parents must be really cool.
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[17 Jan 2007|09:54am] |
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music |
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margot and the nuclear so and so's |
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I can feel my body giving in to whatever sickness is trying to plague me. I feel drowsy, I feel lethargic, I feel sleepy, I feel like complete shit. I've noticed I rarely get sick anymore, so it's probably being around all these germy people and this germy place. I'm going to have to start washing my hands like a madwoman. I wash my hands pretty often, but by the end of this semester, my hands will be transformed to sand paper,i'm sure.
Mandee and I went around looking at fondren houses the other day. We fell in love with two. The first one is huge with 3 bedrooms and a huge dining room that can be made into a 4th bedroom (because it has doors that close where it connects to other rooms). Pets are allowed, It has a huge fenced backyard, a carport, a piano in the livingroom,a backyard outside deck, laundry room,HUGE HUGE KITCHEN WITH pale green paint and high ceiling, a book nook in the living room, 2 bathrooms,and did i mention WOODEN FLOORS!!YES,beautiful marvelous breath-taking wooden floors. The front of the house is all cutesy-like too, with a perfect red door.The guy that owns it was extremly nice and from Buffalo,New york. If we were able to find 2 other roommates rent would only be $225 a person plus utilities which is the cheapest rent we'll find anywhere,plus for the house being sooo nice and in fondren, i'm amazed it's so cheap.Pretty much it's the dream house i've always wanted to live in while in college. It's always been my dream to live in that area, and i'm beyond excited. I'm not too sure if it's the wisest idea to move out while i'm taking so many hours of school. Perhaps, i'm going to drive myself crazy. Perhaps, PERHAPS,PERHAPS. but god, I want this so badly, it's been all i've thought about since we went and looked at them. I know I could do it, but is it really worth having that extra bill? Most would say probably not. I mean it's not that i'm not comfortable living at home because ever since i've moved out my mom let's me do as I please. I suppose I just miss living with friends and the feeling of having my "own"place where I could let a potential boy sleep over whenever I wanted.Waking up in the morning on weekends only to be surrounded by wonderful roommates and having dinner and a movie night.I just know I don't want it to interfere with me doing well in school and it probably would. I'm thinking of a way I could convince my mom to pay for it, since after all, it's mucho cheap,but so far I've got nothing. It'd probably be harder getting up for class,since I'm notorious for missing alarm clocks and my mom and hunter were my only saviours. I just wish it would all work out.My heart and life need some giddyness but the money aspect of it,regardless of it being cheap, would only be an added stress in my life. I'm trying to think rationally but all my mind is thinking of is that beautiful house with beautiful people.
I just don't know, I'm already stressed, I'm so impulsive.
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[03 Dec 2006|03:17am] |
my head feels like it's about to explode.my mom made me happy and got me two hott bras and three hott panties today.
we spent the majority of the day searching all over metro jackson for a damn wii and it's sold out everywhere,I'm beyond pissed.
i love my little brother and i loved the employees that were working at starbucks tonight,good choice starbucks hiring personnel.
i do not,however,like the employee at walmart,nor did i like the employee at victoria's secret and express.
PEOPLE NEED TO LEARN MANNERS.GODDAMN,I NEED TO TEACH AN ETIQUETTE CLASS.
i'm too nice for my own good,but not in that fake kind of way.
i must admit watching some of mtv's shows is probably equivalent to smoking some crack cocaine without the good high but when there's nothing else to do some shows do provide some good comical entertainment.either that or just to make fun of how ridiculous certain shows are and laugh. i don't care,i love rob&big from what i've seen and i would love a pitbull named meaty.
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streetsofmexico's journal
